When I first realized that I was in, and contributing to, a dysfunctional relationship I knew that something had to change. Unfortunately, that something was my partner. Why do I say “unfortunately”? After a few sessions with a great therapist, I came to realize that while I truly wanted my partner to change, the only thing I could change was me.
We all have what a therapist might say is our ‘core fears’. These are fears that gripped us when we were very young and much, or perhaps most, of our early developmental energy was focused on dealing with these fears. For me that fear was about being alone and unloved. There are as many fears out there as there are people to have them. Understanding them and facing them is no small task. The first step in doing this is coming to understand that you can only change yourself and that you can once you assume personal responsibility.
Fear takes away our power and it wants us to feel like a victim. In our victimhood, it is someone else’s problem. We think to ourselves, “If, and when, this person changes (or this thing changes) then I will be okay.” We may chase this thinking and try to manipulate people or situations in the hopes of changing the situation and resolving our fear.
Fear is powerful and it is immobilizing. Have your ever felt the tingling of fear run up and down your spine when you heard strange noises at night? Have you felt amused when kids might fear what is under the bed or in their closet? Fears like these can be resolved when we shed light on the situation, and we discover a branch rubbing or tapping on our window; or when we shine a flashlight to show a child there is nothing under the bed.
The core fears we bring with us into our relationships are much the same. Oftentimes, we think our relationships will resolve our fears—make us whole and complete us. The reality is that we are already whole and we are already complete; but our fear tricks us into thinking otherwise. My core fear, of being alone and unloved, stemmed from experiences in childhood. We moved at least every year from the time I was in kindergarten through the fifth grade. I was continually breaking and remaking relationships through my formative years. I was not aware of the why about my core fear. I only knew that I felt like I would die if I were left alone and unloved.
Because of this fear, I would rush into relationships in order to fill the hole in me that this fear had created. To make matters worse, the women I found seemed to use this fear to perhaps try to resolve their own fears and issues, thus creating drama and major relationship dysfunction. Once I learned about fear and taking personal responsibility, I was able to shine the light on fear and clearly see my Road to Freedom.
What about you? Are you looking for someone or something to complete you? If you are, you might have some underlying core fear and trauma that you are trying to resolve. Is your happiness dependent on someone or something else?
In THE ANTICS, you will meet Carence and see how fear may be keeping you from your healing journey. You can learn how to face your fears, name them, take personal responsibility for yourself, and create the future that you want to live.
Your personal Road to Freedom is only one step away.